Showing posts with label Redneck Vampire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Redneck Vampire. Show all posts

courtesy of Robb Britting:


• If you have ever opened a beer can with your fangs.
• If you nicknamed your funeral carriage “The General Lee”.
• If your crypt has an outhouse.
• If you’ve ever told a werewolf he has a purdy mouth.
• If you greet your victims by saying “Good Evening, Y’all”.
• If your coffin has the number ‘3’ painted on the sides.
• If your ancestral castle is built in Arkansas.
• If you ever turned an entire village into an army of vampires
so you would have someone to line dance with.
• If there is a Daisy Duke poster taped to the inside of your coffin lid.
• If you’ve ever called a vampire hunter a ‘damn yankee’.
• If you’ve ever played “Dueling Banjos” on your castle’s pipe organ.
• If the full moon reminds you to pull your pants up.
• If you have ever nearly missed returning to your coffin before dawn.
because you were ‘frog gigging’.
• If your favorite song is “Sweet Home Transylvania”.
• If an open bag of pork rinds tempts you just as much as a bleeding wound.
• If your family crest has the Confederate Flag in it.
• If your vampire cloak is made of coonskins.
• If the medallion around your neck has your initials on it.
• If your castle’s courtyard has at least 2 wheel-less carriages up on blocks.
• If you pick your female victims because they remind you of your sister.
• If you like to call vampire bats ‘cousin’.
• If you think Jed Clampett would make a good vampire.
• If you have ever hypnotized a victim to make them sing “Dixie”.
• If you drink blood from a moonshine jug.
• If you sit in your coffin and pretend you are driving a NASCAR.
• If all of your victims are related to you.
• If you’ve ever trained a werewolf to fetch beer.
• If you have ever fantasized about Vampira wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• If you are introduced as “Count Festus”.